the good, bad, and the ugly about foster care

stuff

2008-05-22T05:08:00.000-07:00

The youngster's parents have appealed TPR. I'm not even a little surprised. Of course, that means we're stuck in fostering limbo for some unknown length of time while that appeal works it's way through the court system.

The managing social worker has reduced the sibling visits so that instead of seeing her siblings three times a month, she now only sees them once a month. I wish I had been consulted about that before it happened because of all the things we could remove from the schedule I wouldn't have touched her sibling visits. I'm hoping to set up regular phone visits with them, and start arranging play dates with them.

There is some good news though. After nine months of behavioral therapy our FFA has taken us off "hold" status.

TPR

2008-03-28T12:00:00.000-07:00

The road to TPR is a bumpy one. Almost 16 months after the youngster arrived here, and almost three years in foster care (this time) the court ruled for termination of parental rights yesterday. While I think it's the right decision and I'm certainly eager to move forward with adoption, I don't think we're out of the woods yet. I fully expect that her father will file an appeal and drag this part out for at least another year. The prospect of at least another year of this limbo is disheartening.

plea bargain

2008-03-19T08:29:00.000-07:00

The criminal case that's been rescheduled again and again since last fall is finally concluded, and without the youngster having to testify. They guy was offered, and accepted a plea bargain. The sentence stinks but ultimately the youngster gets what she needs from the court system. She was heard, she was believed, and the guy goes to prison. He will take a strike, and have to register as a sex offender. It might be that is the best we can hope for.

bait and switch

2008-03-03T12:06:00.000-08:00

The youngster has been making great strides with her behavioral therapist. She hasn't assaulted me in months, and she's in general doing better in school. That means that the funding switched because she met the initial goals. With the change of funding came a new "parent partner." I'm just going to say he sucks.

The initial parent partner was great. We had great communication and I felt I could call on her for feedback and support (which is what she said she was here for). Then came the new guy. The first thing he told me was that he does things differently than his colleague, but never said what he meant by that. It soon became clear to me that what he meant was that he was not hands-on. In fact, he said he didn't want to communicate by e-mail (why not just ask me to cut off my arm?). Then the only times he was available for meetings or phone calls were times that I wasn't. Then he disappeared, and frankly I forgot he existed. I figured as long as the youngster still had the same behavioral therapist we were good.

Well, that's what I thought until last week when I learned through a fourth person that he was unhappy with me. Might have been good if he had contacted me to tell me that before involving two other people. Then I contacted the managing social worker (out of county, and AWOL for weeks at a time) who characterized me as uncooperative and not committed to the process. What? I sent her an e-mail response telling her I object to the characterization, then forwarded the e-mail exchange to my FFA social worker who tells me she will see what the heck is going on.

Apparently the "parent partner" is complaining that I'm simply not available at a time that's convenient for him, so I'm uncooperative. I wouldn't give a rip except that he could terminate services that the youngster needs. As to being unavailable, I work full time, maintain the house, get the youngster to and from school, prepare her meals, get her up in the morning and off to bed at night. Did I mention we still have five appointments every week? In the last week and a half we've had two trips to the emergency room, one doctor visit, and one doctor visit tomorrow. I'm almost a year behind in replacing my broken eyeglasses, more than a year behind in my annual physical, and I haven't had two hours of quality downtime in over six months. Let's not forget the two pending court cases either.

The county social worker suggests that we all just have a sit-down meeting where everyone can define their roles. When would I have time for that?

good to know

2008-02-12T19:29:00.000-08:00

I got a call this evening from the youngster's attorney. She wanted to tell me that the youngster would not be required to be at the hearing tomorrow. Since I wasn't aware there was a hearing tomorrow that's good to know.

The good news is that while I had her on the phone I was able to tell her enough about what is going on with the youngster's behavior that she wants to know more. Since I've been trying for months to find an effective way to have someone advocate for this child in the courtroom this is a golden opportunity. She asked me to send her a comprehensive summary via e-mail to bring her up to speed. Hope she has a free afternoon to catch up on some not-so-light reading.

"It'll weed out those who are doing it for the $$." part 2

2008-02-01T10:26:00.000-08:00

My hide is still a little chapped by this comment and I've been giving it some thought over the last couple days.

How much money would it take to get people to foster "for the money?" Seriously. Let's say someone wants to earn some money and they're looking for a job, how much would it take to get someone to look at fostering as a money-making enterprise?

You have to be on-duty 24/7. That makes roughly 720 billable hours a month. At a minimum wage of $7.50 that's $5400 a month gross. I don't know anyone receiving that kind of money.
Then factor in the loss of privacy (your home becomes a "facility"), missed work time because of appointments, the loss of any kind of a social life, being assaulted, court proceedings, having your house trashed, and general stress.

Please. No one is doing this for the money.

"It'll weed out those who are doing it for the $$"

2008-01-29T09:55:00.000-08:00

Ever wonder about the way civilians view foster care?

I learned today that the California budget is about to implode and foster children are going to feel the crunch. Specifically, it looks as if the reimbursements to FFA families will be cut by 5%, and those checks will be delayed by two months.

I mentioned this to a friend and she made the comment above. ("It'll weed out those who are doing it for the $$.") Is she kidding? Right, because all along my plan was to get rich doing foster care.

It's not hard to see where this is going to lead. Some families won't be able to take that kind of a hit to their household budget and some children will be looking at yet another move within the system.

Personally, I'm okay here. I bought my house when prices were reasonable, and the interest on my mortgage is low. My ride is paid off with about 30,000 miles on the odometer. I have a good job, health insurance and a retirement plan. This isn't my first recession so I know what's coming. Other families are less well-prepared and they will opt out, that's the reality.

insert profanity here, part 2

2008-01-24T11:26:00.001-08:00

Well, the victim witness advocate was right to be concerned. Sure enough the defense attorney in the criminal case has been relieved of all her cases and someone new has to be brought up to speed. Apparently the new attorney assures the court he can be ready in five weeks. As if.

support from helpful people

2008-01-23T19:18:00.001-08:00

Social workers tend to not like hearing that foster parents are seeking de facto status. This situation is so messed up though that when the social worker in the originating county learned (through me) that I was planning to file the paperwork I got nothing but love.

It's not rocket science to see that this child is so stressed she's about to explode. She throws up at school (tells me she's thinking about the upcoming criminal trial) at least once a week. She comes in to my room to sleep on my floor at night because she feels "safe" there. She's falling so far behind in school she's stalled since September. She can't participate in the afterschool tutoring program because her afterschool time is already fully booked with various therapy appointments. She has no friends, and no time to spend with them even if she did.

The next time the court makes what I feel is an unreasonable request of her (and there have been many) I want to be able to explain why that will be a problem for her. I think it's time for the court to fish or cut bait.

insert profanity here

2008-01-22T18:01:00.001-08:00

This day just keeps getting better and better.

I got a call today from the victim-witness advocate about the criminal proceedings. Once again there is a delay in the trial because of the defense attorney. She's been sick since January 3rd and today she apparently e-mailed the other parties saying her mother had a stroke. I'm starting to believe this trial will never get started, and apparently I'm not the only one. The victim-witness advocate shared her concern that she thinks the attorney is about to bail. That would mean another long delay while a new attorney is brought up to speed.

And in the family court matter I get the sense that the parents' attorneys have only one remaining strategy, which is to simply drag this case out indefinitely by applying for continuance after continuance. Right now it's working.

de facto parent status

2008-01-22T09:19:00.001-08:00

Last week I tracked down the contact information for the youngster's attorney. I was told by the youngster's social worker that this person could (and would) help me file for de facto parent status. I waited all weekend to make the call and learned this morning that she's out of the office until the end of the month. Grrrrrr!

There are some seriously wrong decisions being made right now and as a mere "foster parent" I am not a part of the decision making process, and am viewed by the court as an unpaid babysitter. Given that the youngster has been here for over a year, and that I'm the one who suffers when she suffers I think it's time to apply for more rights. Being awarded de facto parent means I become a party to the family court proceedings, and then can address the court to effect positive change in the decision-making process. It is clear to me that the court has no concept of what it's doing to the youngster and her voice needs to be heard (through me) in the court.

No, and I don't care

2008-01-22T08:44:00.000-08:00

Those are her favorite things to say. Apparently she is not able to say them in a pleasant, respectful tone either.

Me - Are you planning to be dressed when you go to school?

Her - No.

Me - If you're planning to watch TV this afternoon you will need to be dressed when you leave for school.

Her - No, I'm not getting dressed and I don't care.

Great. Basically you can insert any question in here and the answer remains constant. For the record I guarantee she plans to watch TV this afternoon, and I guarantee there will be a meltdown when she learns (once again) that I mean what I say. And, once again I will unplug the TV while she's at school so that when she ever-so-sneakily tries to turn it on while she thinks I'm not looking she'll be met with an unhappy surprise. I love that part actually, because what's she going to do then? Complain because the TV doesn't work, you know, the one she doesn't have permission to watch anyway?

Aaaarrrrgh! I sure hope this day turns around before nightfall.

court, court and (you guessed it) more court

2008-01-20T16:22:00.000-08:00

The termination of parental rights was originally supposed to take place in May of 2007. Here it is January 2008 and we're still waiting for resolution. I found out purely by accident that the youngster was required to attend court on Wednesday and speak with the judge about her feelings. Given that we've both been under telephone standby subpoena to testify in a criminal case since October the prospect of facing another judge was received poorly.

After waiting for some time in the hallway outside of court, we learned it was all for naught and that the judge wouldn't be hearing from the youngster (or her siblings, who were also present), and that the case has been continued again until February. Additionally, the court decided to grant (and pay for) the parents requested sibling bonding assessment. If that can't be scheduled within a certain period of time there will be yet another continuance.

As for the criminal proceedings, the defense attorney has been out sick since the first part of January. (Hey, if I had to defend the guy I'd be sick too.) As far as I know the case is supposed to begin on Tuesday. If everything goes as planned we should get a call in about ten days to come in and give testimony.

Behavior has been a problem. I think the youngster's favorite word is "no." I so don't love oppositional defiance disorder, and mixing that with reactive attachment disorder just sucks.

So, while we've gone from having six appointments at baseline to five (yay!) we also have two pending court cases, she's overdue for foll0w-up with her orthopedic surgeon, three months behind on her dental exam (because she has these lovely dissociative episodes in any medical or dental setting), I just received a huge package of paperwork from state adoptions to fill out, and I need to schedule a physical exam for me...all within the next 30 days.

justice at what cost?

2007-10-05T08:53:00.000-07:00

How do you prepare a severely emotionally disturbed eight-year-old to testify in court against her rapist? How do you tell her one day that you will protect her and keep her safe no matter what, and then the next day tell her that she will have to face the man who raped her repeatedly night after night over the course of months? Imagine that she already receives three kinds of therapy, that she's medicated for anxiety and that she has nightmares every night. Imagine that she is so traumatized that she can't even go to the grocery store without a panic attack/dissociative episode. How do you tell her that in less than three weeks her worst fears will come true?

makes me think

2007-09-28T05:57:00.000-07:00

Nye County Sheriff's department is trying to identify a child in a video. Once again an adult male is doing unspeakable things to a girl and saving the images for posterity. When I first heard about the story and saw an image of the girl they're trying to locate it made me wonder if I would be able to recognize my own foster daughter at that age. We have no pictures of her from before the time she entered foster care two years ago.

grrrrrrrr

2007-09-27T08:43:00.000-07:00

The wheels of justice move slowly. Today the man accused of abusing my foster daughter was supposed to go to trial. I see through the wonders of online information that once again the trial date has been rescheduled. This is the third time the trial has been rescheduled. I would really like to see a verdict, but hey it's only been two years, what's the hurry, right?

a second blog?

2007-09-20T07:17:00.000-07:00

Do I really need a second blog? Has it come to this? Apparently so.

Sometimes there are things I would really love to write about my fostering experience but to post those comments on my primary blog would not be appropriate. I learn a lot by reading the blogs of other foster parents though so my hope is that someone may be able to learn something from mine.

I don't take babies or teens, and right now I don't take boys. I've heard stories of horrible abuse from the mouths of children in my care and though I thought I was wise to the ways of the world even I was shocked at some of the sexual abuse adults inflict upon children. I've been punched, kicked, scratched and spit upon. I've had furniture and appliances broken. I'm still here.